


Black Friday

by Donglibog (kenchang)



Series: Evil Dead [2]
Category: Ash vs Evil Dead (TV)
Genre: Car Sex, F/M, Public Nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 11:24:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17446025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenchang/pseuds/Donglibog
Summary: Sex and violence ensue when Ash and Kelly track down a supernatural serial killer who targets couples every Black Friday.





	Black Friday

**Author's Note:**

> Intentionally inaccurate to the source material at times and expect some occasional character breaks, too. It's fan fiction after all.

Ash, one time store salesman and current hero fighting against the army of darkness, parks the Delta near the edge of a grassy cliff overlooking the small, sparsely lit town.

"This is the place," Kelly, his former coworker and current ally against the forces of evil, tells him while checking a map in her phone. "There has been a string of missing people that come here to Krista Lake every Black Friday. No bodies are ever found. But that might be because of the ineptitude of the cops in this hick town."

"After all these disappearances, you'd think people would learn to stay away from this place," Ash says.

"People are idiots. Guys come here to show off how brave they are to their girlfriends. And the excitement is too tempting for the girls."

"The view's not so bad, too." Then the hero adds, "Both in and out of the car." Kelly just rolls her eyes. She has gotten used to his occasional cheap come ons. "Say, how come we didn't bring Pablo along on this little excursion?", Ash asks. "Because if you wanted to get me alone, all you had to do was ask."

"Dream on," she answers. "All the victims were couples. We have to pose as one if we're ever going to find out what really happened."

"Got it. No threesomes." Ash smiles slyly. "You know, if we're suppose to be a couple, we should probably kiss. For appearances, of course."

"Can't tell if you actually made a good suggestion, or you're just trying to score."

"Maybe a little bit of both."

Ash leans forward. Kelly closes her eyes, and they kiss.

"You know what else we should do?," the smug hero suggests. "We should neck a little to be even more convincing."

"OK, now I know you're definitely just trying to score," Kelly replies.

Still, she doesn't resist when he wraps his arms around her and kisses her more amorously. His hands, one real, one prosthetic, move all over her back. Then Ash decides to slip her the tongue.

Kelly pushes him back and says, "Seriously, dude?"

"I'm just getting into character," he explains.

The girl sighs. "Fine."

Ash leans forward again, and this time, Kelly French kisses him back. His good hand slides down to caress her thigh through her tight jeans. His lips move down to her neck.

"You know what else we should do?," the smug hero breathlessly suggests. "We should take all our clothes off and-"

"Shut up and fuck me already, Ash!", Kelly interrupts.

They kiss lustfully. She pulls back, lifts her legs and begins to undo her belt. It's cramped in the front seat, and she nearly kicks Ash in the face. But the horny hero designed his car for every lovemaking occasion. One pull of a lever and the backrest swings back to accomodate a woman that likes to be on top. And Kelly likes taking charge, which works for Ash, since he's not so good on top anymore at his age without the aid of the little blue pill. He helps her out of her jeans and smiles widely at the sight of the girl's pussy. He barely has time to admire it when Kelly immediately straddles his lap. She sits back, shrugs off her leather jacket, and pulls her shirt over her head, uncovering a trim stomach and a pair of firm breasts.

"Oho! Come to papa!", Ash exclaims.

"No, papa. You come to me," Kelly responds.

She grabs Ash by the back of his head and shoves his face between her boobs. He wraps his arms around her waist and begins kissing her all over her chest. Kelly's nipples harden, and Ash takes one in his mouth and sucks at it. The girl closes her eyes and bites down on her lower lip. She tightens her embrace around his head to help him suck harder. When she feels her sex become hot and wet, she roughly pushes him back down, and undoes his fly to release his member. It springs up like an angry jack-in-the-box. She lets out a soft groan as she slowly lowers herself on it. Then like a skilled belly dancer, she rythmically moves her hips up and down.

Ash cups and squeezes one of her boobs in his good hand and says, "Aw yea. That's it, baby. That's my cowgirl. You ride that little Indian boy."

"It's Native American, you racist fuck," she snaps, as she rides him harder.

She'd tell him to shut up, but she did that once already, and it didn't work. The man is a natural loudmouth, and he annoys the hell out of her at times. Fortunately, he more than makes up for it with a remarkably fat and surprisingly hard cock.

His hand moves down and around to her ass, squeezing a cheek. Then he gives it a resounding slap!

"Ow!", Kelly yelps. "You Neanderthal!"

"Yee-haw!", Ash caws. "Giddyup, cowgirl!"

And he gives her butt another stinging slap!

"Oh, you want it rough, huh?!", she hisses through clenched teeth, riding him harder still.

"You bet your sweet ass I do," he answers. "Come on, cowgirl. Ride for your papa Brisco."

"Who?"

"Uhm..uh..nobody. Just keep riding."

Kelly complies. And from outside of the vigorously rocking car, one can hear her rapturous moans.

#

Naked, sweaty, and exhausted, Ash sits and snores in the backseat of his car. He has one arm around Kelly who is equally naked, sweaty, and exhausted, and resting her head on his chest. Then a shrill scream disturbs the quiet night and startles them awake!

Unlike Ash, who yearns only for a normal life, drinking booze, smoking weed, and having sex with a variety of women, Kelly is far more dedicated to the war against evil. She immediately reaches for her pistol in the glove compartment then bolts out of the car stark naked. Ash admires her firm ass as she races towards the source of the sound.

"No way I'm doing that," he tells himself. "Men my age have no business fighting naked."

He gets dressed then grabs the gym bag with his chainsaw and shotgun in it.

#

The grass tickles her bare feet as Kelly cautiously enters the woods, her eyes searching the darkness, the gun shaking in her cold, trembling hands.

"Really should have brought a flashlight," she chastises herself. Then her entire body shivers. "And clothes. Really should have gotten my clothes."

She finds an empty car with one of its windows shattered. She peers inside and finds the seats covered in blood.

"Hey," Ash whispers, startling her.

"Christ, Ash!", she growls. "I almost blew your head off!"

The hero smiles mischievously. "You did that already. Back at the car."

"Alright, let's get something straight. I only did that to lure out the evil. It will never happen again. And if you tell anyone-!"

"Relax. What happens in the Delta stays in the Delta."

Kelly does not find his words reassuring. "Did you bring my clothes?"

"Uhm, no. Did you want them?"

"No. I've taken up public nudity as a hobby. Of course I wanted them!"

"Well, at least I brought my bag of nasty demon killing stuff. Oh, and a flashlight."

They follow the trail of blood to an old, ramshackle cabin.

"Well, this brings back memories," Ash comments.

They hear a woman softly humming a tune from inside. The front door is unlocked. Its rusty hinges creak as Kelly opens it as quietly as she can. They follow the humming to the kitchen where they find an old woman in an apron with her back to them. Too busy chopping up meat, she does not notice them enter the room. Then Kelly gasps when she sees severed human limbs in a bucket of blood on a countertop. The old woman turns and smiles warmly at them.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologizes, wiping the blood off her hands on a towel. "I didn't hear you come in. I'm afraid these old ears aren't as good as they used to be. Heavens, dear! Where are all your clothes? You could catch a cold walking around like that outside at night."

"Stay right where you are!", Kelly yells, raising her pistol.

"My, how rude. Pointing a gun at me in my own home."

"You're the one who's been killing people in the lake every Black Friday!"

"Oh, no. That's my son, Jacob's doing. I just clean up after him. So messy. Boys will be boys, I suppose. Would you like me to tell you a story?"

"Not really," Ash answers.

"Fine. I'll tell you," the old woman continues anyway. "My name is Alice Black. A long time ago, my poor Jacob drowned in Krista Lake during a school trip on a Black Friday. Those irresponsible teachers of his are to blame. But I found an old, magic book that helped me bring my dead son back to life."

"That's the Necronomicon! Where is it?!"

"Where's what?"

"The old, magic book!"

"What book? Oh dear, I seem to have lost my train of thought."

"Maybe a slap to the back of the head will jog your memory!"

"Would you like to meet my boy?", the old woman asks. Then she looks up to the ceiling and calls, "Jacob! We have guests!"

Ash and Kelly hear slow, heavy footfalls coming down the stairs.

"Ash," Kelly warily calls.

A bulky, seven foot tall giant of a man, a burlap sack over his head with holes for his eyes, enters the room. In his right hand is a machete, fresh blood dripping from the blade.

"Christ, this is your boy?!", Ash yells. "No wonder he sank! What the hell have you been feeding him?!"

"Oh, the old, magic book made him that way," Alice explains. "It made him bigger, stronger. Now, he can finally do what he should do. Kill…teenagers."

"What the fuck?! Teenagers again?! Why?! Why not go after the teachers that let him drown?!"

"You did not just ask me that. These whiny, little shits are so sensitive, they're offended by everything! Then they anonymously bully each other online. Don't you tell me you haven't thought of killing them."

"Whoa, deja vu."

"But I suppose my Jacob can make an exception in your case."

Without a word, the giant takes a huge step forward and swings his machete at Ash!

"Whoa, wait a minute! I'm not ready! I'M NOT READY!", the hero shrieks as he hops back and hides behind his bag.

Alice also takes a tiny step forward.

Kelly just snickers, "Seriously, lady-?"

With surprising speed and agility, the old woman kicks the gun out of Kelly's hand and punches the girl in the face!

"Ow! What the fuck?!", Kelly yelps, holding onto her nose.

"I took self defense classes, dear," Alice explains. "Can't be too careful with all those crazies out there."

Ash ducks as the large blade glides dangerously close to the top of his head.

"Just let me put my chainsaw arm on," he pleads. "Then we can fight properly. It'll be awesome. I promise."

Jacob easily yanks the bag out of his opponent's hand and tosses it across the room, making the hero squeak.

"Alright. No big deal," Ash says, raising his fists. "I can do this mano a mano. Or I guess mano a machete."

He punches Jacob in the stomach with his good hand! But to his surprise, the giant doesn't even flinch. So he kicks him in the nuts! But still to no effect.

"Are you kidding me?!", the hero yells in frustration.

Jacob swings his massive blade again! Ash dodges, and the weapon shatters a vase instead of splitting his skull.

Then the hero chuckles and says, "You know, I just realized your mom named you after a Twilight character."

The giant angrily shoves his enemy back with one strong hand! Ash crashes into a cupboard. He then falls face first, and the cupboard topples over him.

Alice hits Kelly in the face with a spinning hook kick! The young woman's beautiful, naked body twirls in midair before crashing into a table, destroying the furniture. The old woman then returns to the counter to retrieve her sharp, blood covered butcher's knife.

"I couldn't dump the bodies in the lake," Alice explains with a shy smile as she walks back towards Kelly. "It would be the first place they would look. So I decided to hide my son's victims in our tummies."

Dazed and in pain, Kelly still manages to grab a broken table leg and shove the jagged end into the old lady's stomach! Alice gasps, her eyes wide with shock. With both hands around the makeshift spear, the younger woman screams as she pushes her enemy across the floor and into a wall, driving the stake even deeper. The old lady slumps to the ground and dies with her eyes open, the tip of the table leg still in her stomach.

"Yea!", Kelly cheers. "Take that, you crazy, old bitch!"

She turns to assist Ash but instead finds Jacob staring right at her. The machete falls from the giant's trembling hand. And even with his face covered, Kelly can see the the disbelief, the pain, and the rage.

"Sh-She started it," she stutters meekly.

Jacob grabs her by the throat and lifts her off the ground! Kelly holds onto his thick wrist, gasping for air, her legs kicking out helplessly. He continues to throttle her. The hapless girl's eyeballs roll upward. Her body slackens. Then Jacob hears the roar of a motor.

He releases Kelly. The young woman falls to the floor, holding onto her neck and coughing madly. The giant turns and finds Ash back on his feet, the chainsaw arm finally attached to the hero's wrist.

Ash smirks and says, "Come get some."

Jacob glances at his machete on the floor.

"Oh, no," Ash tells him. "You wouldn't let me get my toy, you don't get to have yours."

With a single swing, Ash decapitates the man mountain! Blood erupts from Jacob's neck like lava from an angry volcano. Then his body falls heavily on the floor.

Ash helps Kelly up.

"What the hell was he?", the girl asks. "He's not like any deadite I've ever seen before."

"He's a quasi-deadite. Second one I've killed," Ash answers. "Doesn't matter what they are or where they're from. We'll send them right back to the hell that spawned them, because that's what the Ghost Beaters are good at."

"Wow. That would have been so much cooler, if you were looking up at my eyes when you said it."

"Speaking of which," he begins, wrapping an arm around her waist, pressing her body against his. "How about a little victory celebration?"

"Oh my God. That's why we do this. We're turned on by all this violence, aren't we?"

"Does that make us sick?"

"Fuck, yea."

Kelly grabs him by the collar and pulls him to her. She moans into his mouth as they kiss in the center of the kitchen surrounded by blood and body parts.

END

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
